If there’s one thing that leaves me completely aghast, it’s Christians hurting one another and using religion to justify their behavior, or citing it as the reason that they didn’t step in to defend the hurting, vulnerable party.
It’s the child who is abused on the mission field or in the church, but no one does anything about it (or it’s covered up) because it could “hurt the ministry.”
It’s the woman whose self-worth is torn down brick by painstaking brick by her husband, but nobody says anything because they believe divorce is wrong and are afraid to rock the boat.
It’s the pastor whose personal life is in shambles, but he can’t be honest and seek help for fear of losing his job.
It’s the person who tried to seek help for their marriage/addiction/child/past/problem from their brothers and sisters in Christ, but was rebuffed and deeply wounded by the experience.
Here’s what I am slowly coming to realize. All of those situations have to do with “saving face,” with putting external expressions of faith ahead of internal relationships with God and others.
The “ministry” becomes more important than the child.
The marriage becomes more important than the individuals in it.
The position becomes more important than the man.
Maintaining the illusion of holiness becomes more important than having authentic, caring relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ.
This, my friends, is *@!#.
While I certainly believe that what we do and how we act is very important, proper behavior isn’t going to do a person any good if their soul is decaying under their shiny exterior. Sure, it might make everyone more comfortable for the time being. But left untreated, spiritual gangrene tends to spread, eating away at our insides and poisoning our souls until we’re more like whitewashed tombs than living, loving human beings. Until we’re dealing death instead of life, because it’s all we have to give.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong of a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. -1 Corinthians 13:1-3
We can do and say all the right things. We can try to make others do and say all the right things. Like the Pharisees, we’re experts at that. But at the end of the day, it’s what’s in our hearts that matters.
The good news is that none of us are beyond hope. Even if our hearts are so wounded that we doubt our ability to recover. Or even if our hearts bear more resemblance to stone-cold tombstones than life-giving flesh. Remember the valley of dry bones in Ezekiel 37?
“Son of man, can these bones live?…They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: My people, I am going to open up your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live…”
That’s Good News for all of us.
Now, how can we do a better job of sharing that Good News with those around us? Of tending to people instead of institutions? Relationships instead of reputation? Hearts instead of their overflow?
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he has brought justice through to victory. -Matthew 12:20
Jen, great questions. I think the failure to act in the light of the gospel when we face these situations is based at least in part on a desire to please the people around us rather than please God. It reminds me of Galatians 1:10 – “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Being a servant of Christ might mean doing things that people will not appreciate or approve of, like saying that a marriage or ministry is overwhelmed with spiritual gangrene (a great turn of phrase, by the way).
Tim
Yes, definitely–seeking the approval of others plays a HUGE role in this. I think many, many people have been raised to mistake human approval for God’s approval, as well–another big obstacle to overcome. When we think about God, do we see God, or the people who taught us about God, who may or may not have been godly examples? What sort of filters are we looking through?
Thank you so much for saying this! I am a therapist and what I love about being a therapist is that we can take off the mask when your in therapy. But it seems that when we take off of the mask and show our “realness” in the church community many times people, including pastors, can not handle it or just get scared by it, misinterpret it, and are just plain hurtful like you said, and even worse they just say nothing and ignore you. The “saving face” issue is a real problem and it takes each person to take responsiblity for their own “face.” I believe the “saving face” issue is a systemic as well as a family or origin issue for each person. Shame is hard to get over and even when we face it others around us, are scared by it because they have not faced their own. Thanks for your words!
Thanks for commenting, Kathy, and for doing what you do! If I had my way, every church in America would have a really good therapist (or three) on staff to help individuals and communities chip away at these issues.
You’re so right–we’re terrified when others get honest, because we are so often unwilling to be honest with ourselves, and the ramifications make us uncomfortable.
I find people so amazing. I call them angels on angel duty. When ever I need help there is always an angel to help me. Most of the time that person is no one I know and will not see again. I can rely on God to provide an angel for me………and he always does. Sometimes my angel is someone I know and at just the right time will be there for me.
It is amazing how God can provide just the right person at just the right time! It doesn’t always work that way, but it’s wonderful when it does!!!
I recently discovered your blog and have really been appreciating what you have to say. It is challenging but so very real. I’ve passed on some of your posts to the care people in our church, especially the ones on emotional abuse, in the hopes that we in leadership of our church (an international church in the Netherlands) can recognise this and help people. Thanks for doing this blog – it’s really helpful.
I’m so glad you’re finding it helpful! Thanks for commenting, and blessings on you and your church! The Netherlands–I always loved the short little visits I used to make there as a kid. We took full advantage of KLM layovers.
I just finished reading an article in The Atlantic (here’s the link:
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/12/invisible-men-patricks-story-and-the-consequences-of-silence/250558/ ) about how one man’s silence and shame almost killed him. He wouldn’t open up and tell anyone the depth of his pain because he felt ashamed of it. So instead of telling his wife how badly business was going, he “saved face” by acting like he was going to work, acting like everything was fine–until he thought “enough is enough” and attempted suicide.
In all those examples you gave, it seemed like this man’s situation was being played out. Silence and shame and saving face were the common denominators.
I guess any sharing of the Good News will have to start with being open about our own weaknesses and having the courage to go first in sharing our pain. This also means that we must recognize the possiblity that we’ll be rejected for sharing our pain, too; like Kathy said, some people are scared of our pain because they haven’t faced their own, and they might reject us because of what it says about them. (I hope I’m making sense!)
Great post.
“… some people are scared of our pain because they haven’t faced their own, and they might reject us because of what it says about them.” Oh my word, that’s awesome Laura!
Tim