Okay, yes, inflammatory title. But I read something last night that made my stomach knot up into a ball
Contrary to public perception, research shows that the most likely physical abuser of a young child will be that child’s mother, not a male in the household, although the mother’s plight often is complicated by her relationship with a cohabiting male. Abusive mothers frequently are isolated, and lack the parental and extended family or peer support that is necessary to maintain their self-esteem and to buffer the stress of raising children. Without this support, they often seek care and comfort from their children, treating these children as if they were older than they really are. When children fail to provide this support, the mother can become impatient, angry, and sometimes abusive, even when the child is only a crying infant. Others find any social stimulation from their babies (whether smiling or crying) to be much more irritating than normal mothers do. Their abuse in turn adds to their anxiety and feelings of helplessness. If the woman is a second-generation or later generation out-of-wedlock mother, or if she is a teenager, she is less likely to know what the appropriate expectations of a young child should be.
I SO do not want to believe that.
Something in me wants to cling to the romantic notion that a mother would NEVER hurt her children.
Another part of me wants to argue that the bulk of the abuse they’re talking about–over-reactive spanking, shoving, maybe slapping–is not the same as a drunk father throwing punches. That it’s not mothers sending their children to emergency rooms. Usually.
Part of me wants to say that the numbers are skewed, because it’s the mothers who are WITH the children all the time, while the fathers are who-knows-where.
As if any of that justifies anything.
I SO do not want to believe those statistics. And yet, I have heard this story so, so many times. The exhausted, abandoned woman who finally cracks under the stress of her life, and lashes out at her children. And then the guilt, the shame, the horror they feel over their actions.
This is the side of abuse we REALLY don’t like to talk about.
But we need to. Because it happens. A lot.
Take care of yourself, ladies. Your children need you. Don’t think you can be a martyr without taking your kids down with you.
Here’s the part of the post where I want to give women a website to check out, or a number to call, if they feel they are being stretched beyond their limits, and are in danger of snapping. But, um, what would that be? If you feel you are in immediate danger of hurting your children, you can bring them to the emergency room, or a crisis nursery if you have one in your area, but I am well aware that that does nothing to ease the systemic problems these moms are facing.
My questions for you:
How can we better support moms in difficult situations, especially moms who are in an abusive relationship or lack a strong support system?
What should women do/who should they contact if they feel the urge to hurt their children? Bearing in mind that many of these women don’t have massive financial resources at their fingertips?
Could somebody please prove this research wrong? (Please?)
Fire away.
When I was at the pit, very bottom of my depression I had a day when with three little ones yammering for my attention and hating being an at home mom, and totally out of control ,I had the THOUGHT of bashing my sons head against a wall to make him shut up. It drove me to the doctor and made me face my depression differently. I did not do it but I thought it. So if one has experienced the brutality of abuse I understand the reaction. I never saw my father hit my mother, but his words were physical blows on us all. Gratefully, I knew in that moment that I was at the very bottom and couldn’t pull myself out. (I have never told my son/children this story and never will.)
Oh, I also had another thought on a different day, while running errands, which was to take said son and drive away from my life (all the other children, my husband, everything)…
For some reason my “Oh, I hear you” comment posted at the end. But it was meant for you!!! Thanks so much for being brave and honest, like Margot was talking about!
While I appreciate your article, it is your very mindset (mothers never hurt their children) which I think adds to the problem. The truth is that yes mothers DO often hurt their children. While I can say with certainty that my situation was far from the normal one in that it was more egregious, I can tell you that my mom was exactly as you described the drunk father throwing punches-NO different whatsoever. My mom was an alcoholic and was mentally ill despite the fact that she held a fairly reputable career position, (she was a nurse). I can tell you I watched on many occassions as she beat my brother, she would punch him over and over in the shoulder, kick him over and over again and in the end would leave his body sore from the extent of the abuse. She also assaulted me on several ocassions as well. I can remember one time when she forced my brother to wash his mouth out with soap by forcing his jaw shut by holding it in place. This was done to the point that my brother ended up swallowing part of the piece of soap. What I am trying to say is that yes, mothers can be and are abusive like that (the same way as men in a number of cases) It is time to move beyond the sexist stereotypical thinking. While men are still more responsible for the majority of these types of cases, women do at times behave this way
I think that what the Church needs is for a few good women to tell the truth. To tell the truth that we HAVE snapped and hurt our children. There’s SO MUCH SHAME, and it’s women and children who continue to suffer. When my husband and I decided to go no-spanking, after seeing how much anger we were bringing to it, there were still times when I would wallop my kids on the behind. With lots of anger. I’d grab them by the arms and give them a look I’m sure was terrifying. They deserved so much better. The more women who have the courage to tell the truth makes space for OTHERS to face and tell. And change.
To clarify: by “good women,” I mean any who gather up their courage and tell the truth.
Amen and hallelujah, Margot! I think there’s a lot of FEAR as well–fear that if we admit our struggles, something horrible will happen. I remember when I had pretty severe post-partum depression, I wouldn’t tell a soul about the thoughts running through my head, because I was terrified that I would be separated from my baby. I wonder how many mothers, especially single mothers, are afraid of having their children taken away if they admit their inability to hold it together. And therefore never get help.
Oh, I hear you. That sounds so much like the year I struggled with severe post-partum depression.
On the upside, I have so much more grace for people after discovering how much havoc a few wonky brain chemicals can wreak on a person’s life. Ugh.
By spanking do you mean out if anger or spanking as a last resort, out of love? I spank, but when I spank I make sure I am calm (sometimes sending my child to his room so I can have a min to breathe) I give him a hug after, hold him and talk to him about it. I think when you wind up and spank your child as you are angry and maybe yelling at the same time is damaging. I think this is a great article!
Thanks Tina! By “over-reactive spanking” I was talking about angry or overly-hard spanking–when the parent is basically throwing a temper tantrum and hitting their kid, albeit on the bottom. Great clarification!
I can believe this research, even though I don’t want to…I think mamas are, in our culture, so likely to be exhausted and over-extended. My first child cried A LOT and slept very little, and I really felt like I was losing my sanity, even though I didn’t have PPD. And yes. I think Margot is right about the truth telling. Anne Lamott tells some great stories about blowing up at her son Sam that come as such a relief to me. I honestly can’t think of a specific story, but let me say that I have lost my temper and scared my kids with a scary face and voice that probably would surprise most people outside my family!
“I have lost my temper and scared my kids with a scary face and voice that probably would surprise most people outside my family.” Oh, I think that’s the crux of it for most of us!!!
I tend to agree that women are more likely to hit their children than are men. One of the reasons I think is that men are used to being listened to and obeyed, while some mothers see it as a miracle of sorts.
Example: when a father tells a child to do something, they usually do it or the father makes the child do it and possibly punishes them. The children soon learn that they have to do what the father says. When a mother tells a child to do something, they often tell a child multiple times, and are often frustrated at not being listened to. Feeling ignored as a parent causes bad feelings and stress that usually leads to corporal punishment. A solution for this is simple. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t be wishy washy as a parent. Enforce your rules. If they do not matter, then you shouldn’t have the rules. If they do matter, then enforce them and move on. This is not being mean or a strict disciplinarian, it is simple time economics. No one involved has time to take longer than they should with whatever task you have asked the child to do.
Another case in point is that women generally do not perceive that they could be abusive, that abuse is really a male trait. Nothing could be further from the truth. In the latest “Uniform Report on Crime” published by the FBI which analyzes every reported crime in every county in the US, women are more likely than men to be the first aggressor in a physical conflict. That’s right, you read me correctly, women are more likely to be the first one to throw a punch at a man than vice versa.
Sociologists and Psychologists have studied this phenomenon for several years now in search of an answer. The reasoning seems to stem from womens beliefs that they are allowed to hit a male , but he is not allowed to hit her. Laws and enforcement of them is finally catching up with this.
The bottom line is that NO ONE deserves to be hit, No child, no, adult either male or female for any reason. When we internalize that, and live it and enforce that rule our world will be a much better place.