Hi all! I’m vacationing in California right now, and am thrilled to be featuring some great guest posts this week. Today’s post is from my friend Connie Jakab, writer, speaker, and hip-hop dancer extraordinaire. Enjoy!
In today’s society it’s socially acceptable to have a “look but don’t touch” mentality when it comes to our marriages. We have no problems “checking out” other people – as long as we’re not sleeping with them. Yet even getting into the sack with someone other than our spouse has become glorified by some top shows that are on TV these days and through songs I hear each day on the radio. It has become normal.
There is a description of a married woman mentioned in Proverbs who’s a smooth talker filled with flattering words, but on the inside she’s bitter, sharp, and walks in pure wickedness. Wherever she walks, she brings death. She is beautiful and is seductive with her eyes. She hunts for the weak. She’s dressed to seduce. She is boisterous and rebellious. She goes after the man she wants, convincing him to go home with her by kissing him. With her many persuasions, she entices him. (Proverbs 5:3-6, 6:24-26, 7:6-23)
All her ways are unstable, but here’s the clencher: she doesn’t even know it.
She doesn’t know what she’s doing? Serious? Is it possible to seduce a man with your eyes, even kiss him and “not know how far gone” you are??
I guess so.
It’s because it never starts that blatant. Our lives are made up of small, daily choices that eventually add up to big habits that dictate our very actions and attitudes.
It could start with a dissatisfaction with our marriage. The tall, dark, handsome man we married maybe is now the bulging, bald, tired man we see before us now. It could start with distance that can so easily be created in marriage by work, newborns, kids, busy-ness, etc. It could start with feeling forgotten and ordinary – wanting someone to make us feel sexy again. It could start with a flirty smile in the hall at work. It could start with spending too much time with that person. The list can go on…
The point is that: it STARTS somewhere, and it always starts somewhere small and harmless.
My hubby and I are pretty open with each other. I told my husband that it’s not the “tall, dark, handsome, built” man who would be my downfall – it would be the man who’s really nice to me….. especially in a time where hubby hasn’t had a lot of time to pay attention to me. Or maybe we’ve had more arguments at that time. All it would take is a nice guy…
But for me to get to that point would take me being distracted from the importance of guarding my wellspring of life: my heart. Ask me right now if I had the chance to cheat on my husband, would I do it? No! I couldn’t imagine. But give anyone a few days, months even years of not making it a priority to keep the heart nourished and BOOM, it can happen…. and it can happen to anyone – even those who seem the strongest.
Hopefully that doesn’t sound depressing. It’s real ladies. Every day, marriages are destroyed that could have been saved. Every day women are feeling deprived of their potential and leaving their families off on a quest to “find themselves”. Every day a woman falls prey to a nice guy who makes her feel sexy again, leaving her husband bewildered and her children confused about mommy’s new friend. I’m not saying that men don’t do this, but we’re focusing on ourselves right now, not them.
So, is it ok to “look but don’t touch”? Let’s see what Jesus said about that.
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)
That just up-ed the standard didn’t it? To God, “looking” IS adultery – or no different. That means a lot of us are in trouble. If we’ve ever wondered if we really need a “Savior”, now we know we do. There’s no way we can live out this standard that a Holy God has placed before us. That’s why we need Jesus. Without Him, there’s no way we measure up, but with Him we can be empowered to live in His forgiveness and be empowered to live His way.
I love the way the message Bible writes that verse:
“You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt. (Matthew 5:28 The Message)
Ladies, we have got to get passionate about keeping our heart from corruption. We have to care about what we watch and listen to. That show on TV may be a real hit and even entertaining, but is it “good” for the heart? We have to choose our friends wisely. Don’t just think because you have good Christian girlfriends that it means they’ve got a heart to live with integrity. I once went to a ladies church small group (not in the church I attend now) who complained about their sex-life for the whole meeting and planned a girls trip to “Vegas”. Their intentions for the trip were more than clear. Somewhere down the line, they stopped caring about what they allowed “in.”
I had the honor of speaking to a group of preteens the other week. I was talking to them about guarding their heart and how we never get “old enough” to be able to handle watching certain shows or listening to certain music. It still effects us for the good or bad. Like the woman mentioned in proverbs, many don’t realize how far they’ve drifted until its too late. I challenged the girls to care about what they allow into their lives….
Because every choice, no matter how old we are, is going to have an effect on our present and our future. And it will effect us and the others around us.
Every decision I make today will either lead to healthy habits that will overflow into my husband, my boys and the people who surround themselves around me.
There’s too much at stake to not guard our hearts. Care. Care about it for your life. And let’s not just guard our hearts, lets nourish it with things that will cause optimal growth! Is adultery ever ok? No – even the thoughts that lead to action.
Let’s BE the difference the world needs to see.
–Connie Jakab is the author of the blog Culture Rebel, which is also to be her first book title released in 2012 with others such as “Mommy Culture Rebel”, “Church Culture Rebel” and “Raising Culture Rebels” to follow. Connie is passionate about rebelling against status quo living and encouraging others to branch out. The founder of WILD (Women Impacting Lives Daily) as well as Mpact, a dance company that produces shows based on social justice issues, Connie drives her passion outward into the arms of those wanting something more radical and meaningful in life. Connie is an active speaker and worship leader, and lives with her husband and two boys in Calgary, Alberta Canada. She can be found at www.facebook.com/conniesmithjakab and on twitter @ConnieJakab. Connie is honoured to be a part of the Redbud Writers Guild.
I understand the point of the post. But if we are always on guard for the little thing that leads to the big thing then we end up missing out on lots of little things that are actually good, and maybe even would fill out hearts in a way that prevents the big thing from getting purchase.
Watching out for the little things means creating rules identifying things as potential sins. So card playing was once identified as sin because it could lead to gambling. Face cards were identified as wrong because they could be seen as idolatry. Music in church was identified because it could lead toward pride and false worship.
There is nothing wrong with being friends with a nice person of the opposite sex. Your illustrations are all of people that are in unhealthy places. But the ones that take this advice to heart are usually those that are healthy.
The better way to prevent unhealthy relationships is by having healthy ones. We best recent idolatry not by thinking about all the things that could become idols but by having a healthy relationship with God.
Adam, I couldn’t agree more about cultivating healthy relationships among both sexes. I personally have wonderful friends who are both female and male. And yes, I couldn’t agree more about the extremes we can head towards when we examine every little thing, however, I think we can also go too far the other direction as well. Everything is permissible, but in crucial moments we need to ask, “Is it beneficial.” Proverbs 4:23 has become a mandate of my life: to guard the heart, the wellspring of life. I’ve experienced both sides of the extreme in my journey. I want my life to rest in the perfect balance of freedom, grace and wisdom.
Connie, I am all for healthy relationships that don’t go to far. So I think we probably agree.
However, when I read Christians talking about cross gender friendships it is pretty much always how they are bad for marriage. My pastor did a multi-week sermon series on boundaries and cross gender friendships was the illustration of choice.
In general I think that the problem in Christian culture is that we do not believe that we should have *cross gender* friendships. And in secular culture the problem is that we don’t believe that we can have cross gender *friendships*.
On the Christian side the problem is the cross gender. (there can be no healthy relationships). On the secular side we believe that cross gender can have relationships but that they inevitably become sexual.
I don’t think either is true and it sounds like you don’t either. So I just quickly because I have heard from more than one evangelical young woman that “kissed dating goodbye” that she has never had a real friendship with a man. So she is unprepared for marriage because she doesn’t know how to relate to men period. Not just as husband, but but as a man and a woman as friends.
So I probably jump too quickly and see to much between the lines. But I find much of the teaching about cross gender relationships not only off base but often verging on dangerous to long term Christian society. That may sound strong, but I believe it. Not that everyone needs to have cross gender friends. For some there is no healthy level of friendship. But the teaching needs to be much more nuanced than ‘men and women need to be on guard with one another’.
Nice insights, Connie. My wife and I are going to celebrate our 25th anniversary in a couple months, and with each passing year I am more and more convinced that there really isn’t anyone on the planet I’d rather be with. (“Have you met everyone on the planet, Tim?” “No. Please allow me to live in my own little hyperbolic bubble.”)
I think that attitude of being pleased and even thrilled in this marraige represents the work of the Holy Spirit, who has sealed me – and my heart! – for Jesus.
Tim
P.S. Rachel Stone just posted a guest piece I wrote on good looking food and the greatness of God. I linked it through my name above. Hope you get a chance to look it over.