Today’s Equally Yoked post is from Morgan Guyton, a pastor at Burke United Methodist Church in Burke, Virginia. He shares a theological and sociological argument against hierarchy in Christian relationships.
Few verses in the Bible have been more damaging historically to women in Western civilization than Ephesians 5:22 — “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” This has been a go-to verse in the argument against giving the women the right to vote or letting them have careers outside the home; more drastically it has been used to counsel women in abusive relationships not to leave their husbands since they should submit to them even if they’re violent. It was because of this history that my wife Cheryl and I decided to tackle this verse in the first sermon that we preached together seven years ago at our wedding, also because the passage from which it’s taken — Ephesians 5:21-33 — has beautiful wisdom to share about marriage when the social and Biblical context for the passage is properly understood. This past weekend at Burke United Methodist Church, we preached together on this passage again, washing each others’ feet while the other one spoke in order to model our understanding that submission is the form that Christian leadership takes.
It is critical to understand first of all the social context in which Paul was writing to the Ephesians. Roman civilization was legally organized according to households. The patriarchal head of each household represented his household in all public civic life. He was called the paterfamilias, and he had absolute power and authority over everything that happened in his household. He could sell his children into slavery or divorce his wife for any reason provided he paid back the dowry to her parents. He could put babies to death if they were deformed or ugly-looking to him. Legally speaking, no one could question what a man did inside the walls of his own castle. It was only when he had a quarrel with a different household that the public judicial system got involved. Understanding the absolute power of the Roman paterfamilias helps us to recognize that when Paul says that “the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church,” he is referencing the legal reality of his society, not God’s eternal design for marriage!
The reason I feel confident making that claim is because of what I read in Galatians 3:28: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Despite the fact that it has taken Christians two millennia to live into the kingdom reality that Paul lays out in Galatians 3:28, equality between genders is a Biblical concept, not a recent secular innovation. Christian theologians often talk about life in the kingdom as an already but not yet reality. Galatians 3:28 gives us a depiction of what the human relations should look like in the kingdom of God based on what Christ has already established. Ephesians 5:22-24 tells wives how to live in the structure of Roman society which has not yet been made into God’s kingdom. The point of Ephesians 5:21-33 is not to reinforce pagan conceptions of gender hierarchy but to exhort men and women living in a fallen social order to be servants to one another in marriage using language tailored to each of their first century socialized roles.
Jesus tells us in Mark 10:42-44 that we have no business using pagan models of top-down authority in our life together as Christians: “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.” This passage is the basis for which Christians get the concept of “servant leadership.” It’s very trendy today to talk about leadership in the evangelical megachurch world, but I don’t hear a lot about servanthood. Maybe it’s because servanthood doesn’t draw much of a crowd. But Jesus is unequivocal that we lead by being servants, not just by serving.
There’s a very important distinction to be made between servanthood and service. When Jesus says to be a slave of all, he is talking about the radical self-abasement that he models in washing his disciple’s feet. In our era of volunteerism, we have learned how to engage in service towards needy people without submitting ourselves to them as servants. Service without servanthood is almost more oppressive than not serving at all; it creates shame and dependency rather than empowerment. The person “serving” can leave feeling good about themselves for putting in their quota of compassion for the month, but nothing about the underlying power structures in the world has changed as a result.
Servanthood on the other hand means submitting yourself to another person for the sake of lifting him or her up. When Jesus washes His disciples’ feet, He is not just helping or serving them; He is putting Himself beneath them. So Christian leadership is not service in the sense of making decisions for other people or doing what they don’t know how to do for themselves; it is putting ourselves beneath others for the sake of their empowerment. True Christian leadership, as described in Mark 10:42-44, is submission.
That’s why it’s nonsense to try to extrapolate a power hierarchy out of Ephesians 5:22 based on Paul’s use of the word “submit.” When we put Ephesians 5:22-24 in the same Biblical canon with Mark 10:42-44, what we get is that Paul is telling wives to be servant leaders to their husbands, which is the same thing Paul tells husbands to do for their wives in a different way in Ephesians 5:25-28. This is why foot-washing is such an excellent symbol of the mutual servanthood in marriage. Who is submitting when a wife washes her husband’s feet? Who is in charge when a husband washes his wife’s feet? Neither and both in both cases. It is submission to wash and submission to be washed. When done correctly, servant leadership makes it impossible to distinguish who is in charge. This is certainly a scandal to the pagan understanding of authority, but it should not be to Christians. When Christian men use Ephesians 5:22 to make themselves into Gentile princes, then the wife will continue to be sanctified by her humility, but the husband is precluding himself from the imitation of Christ’s servanthood.
Even though the first century pagan model for gender relations has cast a two thousand year shadow over many Christian marriages, we have made considerable progress in our understanding of gender relations over the last century that should be celebrated, not mourned. The more that women are valued as equal and the more that husbands and wives strive to be servants to their spouses, the more we conform to God’s vision for life in His kingdom. There are multiple currents at play in the turbulence our society has experienced since the upheaval of the 1960′s. Some are entirely destructive, unholy, and contrary to God’s vision for humanity, but the growth of equality between the genders is not. This equality takes its holy kingdom form when it is established not through arm-wrestling over rights and self-interests but through the mutual submission of Christian servanthood. Let me give Paul the last word on this from Philippians 2:1-7:
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,not looking to your own interests but submitting to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he submitted himself
by becoming obedient to death —
even death on a cross!
Morgan Guyton is the associate pastor of Burke United Methodist Church, and lead pastor of their Lifesign contemporary service. His wife Cheryl is a certified candidate for ministry in the United Methodist Church as well, and is currently taking some time off to stay home with their two boys, Matthew (5) and Isaiah (2). Morgan blogs at Mercy not Sacrifice.
Next week’s Equally Yoked post is from Jenn LeBow.
Want to contribute to the Equally Yoked series? Email Jenny at jennyraearmstrong@gmail.com.
Leave a comment for a chance to win How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership: Compelling Stories from Prominent Evangelicals. Winner announced Feb. 1st.
Excellent thoughts on a difficult subject.
We just went through this in our Sunday morning group. I taught it with 3 themes.
1. what it is not: not about authority, power or leadership.
2. there is a theme of love and submit/ sacrifice and honor
3. there is a metaphor of head of and body of/ unity and oneness
By going through Scripture to see what Jesus said about leadership and what it is not (as you did) we can determine what Paul is NOT talking about. Then we are better able to see the interdependence, mutuality, total giving of ones life into the other that Paul is seeking to encourage the believers to live in all aspects of our public and personal lives.
Thanks TL! Defining what Christian leadership is NOT is SOOO crucial!
While you may or may not be a good source of christian information (I can’t say one way or the other, nor do I try to), I do question if you know what you’re talking about outside of your own beliefs.
Specifically, the way you repeatedly specify “pagan”. All my knowledge of pagans, mostly from knowing many and learning from them, indicates they’re probably the most equality-oriented of any religion on the face of the earth. Particularly in the most popular pagan traditions, Wicca for example.
From what I understand, their belief in both gods and goddesses, all being equal, has also led to their culture of both men and women (and I should add, even transgender to show the extreme) being all equal in nature. The standard “coven” having both a priest and a priestess.
From a religious and historical perspective, the pagan community has been representing the equal treatment of men and women for much longer than any of the bible-based beliefs have, long before the christian church would even consider it.
Now, there’s no interest in a blame game here, or argument over who’s better than who or what religions are right or wrong. I’m just saying that you perhaps have a more vague generalisation of the word pagan than how it is used in modern times. Perhaps in your mind it’s every one who doesn’t believe as you? Either that or you seem to not have correct information when it comes to pagan faiths.
It’s either being used wrong as a word here, or there’s misinformation on how the pagan faiths actually are. In either case, there’s never a good reason to be insulting towards others, and this article can come off as insulting to a group of people who cherish their equality. Perhaps a better term can be found to use instead.
Thanks for your insights, Marcus. You’re right–there are many different ways the term “pagan” could be understood, and the modern meaning has strayed far from the original. Morgan’s use of the term “pagan” in this article was quoting a verse in which Jesus refered to the leadership style of ancient polytheists, particularly the Romans. They certainly did NOT value equality! I trust my readers to put it in the proper context.
Good article. I think we get into trouble in society today when we sometimes think equal means the same, then we lose the beauty of the what makes men and women different. Each sex has different strengths and gifts to bring to marriage and family life, we should celebrate and appreciate in one another those differences.
I agree, Beth. I get frustrated when I see Christians promoting very hard-line, black-and-white teachings about gender roles, but I think oftentimes that’s just an over-reaction to the second-wave feminism of the 60s and 70′s rejection of traditional femininity. An over-reaction to an over-reaction. I’ll take the equal opportunities, but keep my gentle, family-oriented priorities, thanks!
To me, one of the most beautiful things about relationships that are built on mutual submission is that instead of demanding that our partner partner fill a certain “role” in our life (although we all perform different roles at different times, out of necessity), we give them the grace and freedom to grow into the unique people God created them to be, and wholeheartedly and sacrifically support that process. Perhaps the difference between “performing” a role and “being” a role is crucial here.
“When Christian men use Ephesians 5:22 to make themselves into Gentile princes, then the wife will continue to be sanctified by her humility, but the husband is precluding himself from the imitation of Christ’s servanthood.”
This is one of the most succinct statements I’ve seen yet on just what is wrong with holding to Ephesians 5:22 as justifying a hierarchical relationship in marriages. It hurts men and women both. Thanks for the analysis and historical background in your exegesis here, Cheryl and Morgan.
Tim
Wasn’t that a great line? Pretty much sums up the issue. As I’ve said many times (not on this blog, but elsewhere), the problem is not with women submitting–the problem is with men assuming privelege.
I think real submission is encouraging the other to reach their full potential, to use their talents and excel in every thing they do. If both partners do that, you will taste a little of heaven on earth!
I love that definition! And yes, I think that’s the real heart of what ALL relationships in God’s Kingdom are supposed to look like–encouraging, equipping, and empowering one another to grow into the “telos”–the perfection or completion–of what God created us to be and do. That’s what Christ did for the church, and that’s what we’re called to do for one another (on a much smaller, non-cosmic scale, of course).
What about the scripture about men being the stronger vessel? I appreciate and respect your article very much Jenny but I do think that men are asked by God to be the initiators and pursuers. Social Studies have showed that men 10 times out of 10 like to do the pursuing and if a woman initiates she seems desperate. So what am I getting at in relation to your writing? I believe the proper context and point of the scripture in Ephesians you have used is to point out the man is the initial lead role in servant hood. This is how a woman is wooed and when she is (“submissive”) she reacts beautifully to. It is chivalry in its finest and at its purpose. Why? BECAUSE men are the stronger sex, (not better or smarter), but stronger. The stronger lead by example and the women can easily follow and are called to submit to this act of love in service. They are not called to submit to abuse and that is where the confusion lies. I am not saying that a woman can’t be a servant in any initial interaction with anyone, what I am saying is that to have roles is to find peace and when you look at the differences between men and women you learn women are more natural as reactors than as initiators. Again, I believe the point of this Ephesians passage and the way it is written is for the man to understand his role is to lead by serving the woman and the woman is to submit to this love displayed and this together is submission to one another. You submit to the love shown through the man like you would with Christ. This is how I see and understand it. The woman already naturally loves in service since childhood and when we see her caring for her dolls naturally, but she does not always naturally submit to the love and strength of a man since the fall. This is why these different specific commands were given to the different sexes. Away with the feminism that causes men to cower and both parties to be confused in their role! The reference to Galatians is pointing out and emphasizing everyone’s equality but not referring to roles.
Another way to look at it: Every man and his deep, deep desire to be respected vs. a woman’s deep, deep desire to be loved. They both can seem to mean one and the same but not when you go further into how confused a woman can be when a man grows distant because of something small she said and she has no idea that it hurt part of him because she was does see it as a blast to his confidence and therefore his gift of strength. Same goes for the woman, when a man is not really paying attention to her though he does not say anything wrong she does not feel loved. Maybe if a woman who was already spoiled with all of this by amazing men in her life and she thinks she can throw it off like an extra layer of love that is suffocating her, but for the sake of the rest of us please stop ruining what we need to feel loved and valued by telling men they don’t need to be the leader. All said in love
Jodi, there is no Scripture that says men are the stronger vessels. There is something in 1 Peter 3 that tells husbands to treat their wives considerately AS the weaker vessel. That is quite different from what you suggest. As to the rest, we can assume and imagine a lot of things. But what is important is what Scripture actually says.
Jodi: As I read what you have written, it seems that your desire is to truly seek to understand the way God has made men and women and to live out the kind of marriage relationship that God intended.
It is indeed clear that men and women are very different from one another. One difference is that in some ways women are often weaker than men (1 Peter 3.7). This is particularly and obviously true in terms of muscle mass. A husband and wife seeking to serve each other should keep this in mind.
The desire to serve one another is where I think God wants all of this should start. First we seek to serve one another, and in doing so we then take into account the differences between us.
The passage in Ephesians 5 that speaks of marriage relationships starts in verse 21, which calls Christians to submit to one another. What follows is specific advice as to how to do so. As Christ and the church submit to one another, husbands and wives should submit to one another. The church submits to Christ and Christ submits to the church, as detailed in Philippians 2.1-7.
Any attention to differences between a husband and a wife should be taken into account when they submit to one another. Any desire to submit to one another should take differences between them into account.
1 Peter 3 also looks at the relationship between husbands and wives and calls them to mutual submission. It is in this context that the weakness of a woman (verse 7) is to be considered. A man who was not called to submit to his wife would not need to take her weakness into account. But because a husband is called to submit to her, he must take differences between them into account.
Does one need more respect and the other need more love?
Note that Ephesians 5.33 calls wives to respect their husbands, while 1 Peter 3.7 calls husbands to respect their wives.
Respect is to go both ways.
So is love.
I know that more than one book and more than one popular speaker tend to indicate that love is the key need of women and respect is the key need of men. The problem is that the Bible doesn’t really affirm that–certainly not when you look at both Ephesians 5.33 and 1 Peter 3.7.
Men need and want both love and respect, and women need and want both love and respect. Because husbands and wives change over time, as do the circumstances of their lives, maybe one or the other needs more respect at certain times and more love at other times–if, that is, it is really possible to love without respecting or to respect without love. I wonder if it is.
Would any husband or wife not want to be both loved and respected?
My wife and I are both Christians, have been married for over 21 years and we seek to both love and respect each other. May God help us both to do better. I doubt I will ever say to my wife, “I don’t need so much love–just give me more respect instead.” Nor will my wife say, “I have had enough with all this respect. Stop it because I don’t need it–give me love instead.”
We both desire both.
In the relationship between the husband and the wife, who is to lead? What does Ephesians 5.21 say? Christ is to lead. What does Ephesians 5.18 say? The Spirit is to lead.
What are a husband and wife to do? Be filled with the Spirit, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Let us start there and let our desire to submit to one another make us attentive to the differences between us. May the fullness of the Spirit and our reverence for Christ guide us, whatever certain books and speakers say.
Fantastic and challenging post.
” . . . submission *is* the form that Christian leadership takes.” That quote, together with the image of the two of you exchanging washing feet and speaking, together with the story or Jesus washing his disciples’ feet, is quite a powerful statement!
May we all continually reexamine our models of leadership from this perspective!
I heard in one talk that “everyone knows you have to have someone in charge.” Why? Because in the NASA flights there is always a “commander.” Even in the Gemini program, with only two men in the capsule, JUST ONE was in charge! (The NASA bit was true, I looked it up).
But even then I thought, where in the world do we get off looking to NASA for the model for Christian marriage?
Ha–that NASA thing is hilarious! It is a rather strange mindset, IMO. Reasonable adults are usually pretty good at working things out!
Oh yeah, I forgot that NASA was patterned after Christian servanthood, lol. They couldn’t possibly be following the hierarchical patterns of this world.
Thank you for the encouragement!
I just stumbled upon this series am reading through it and find it greatly encouraging.
The first few years of my marriage were draught with distress, anxiety and a mutual sense of failure as my husband and I tried so hard to fit into the gendered complementarien roles of leading husband and submissive wife. We eventually gave up, and just let each other, and ourselves, be who we were. We spent a long time feeling like we were doing it wrong, or sinfully because although our marriage seemed healthy and joy-filled we weren’t following the steps and roles we had been taught we should be in.
In recent years, I have discovered there are other Christians, pastors even! Who can articulate the feelings that my husband and I have felt about marriage and the mutual submission that has been such a blessing to us in our relationship.
I am still learning and am so glad to have found this series and will have to look up this book! Thank you!
So glad you stopped by!
“We eventually gave up, and just let each other, and ourselves be who we were.”
Wise move, AR.
I’d echo AR’s comments. I’ve only been married for two years and we’re still in the sharp learning curve of practicing love for each other. The conversations of complementariansim that are happening among other young couples we know have only added confusion and stress. What we’re most confused about is the reason that so many evangelicals (including my millennial peers!) continue to cling to the title of complementarianism while actively practicing mutuality. Have you encountered this in your own community Jenny? When we have asked questions and pushed into practices, many of our friends describe their version of comp. as something that sounds quite far from the way it’s founders and leaders are touting it theologically/practically. Some feel that they’re redeeming the title and making it about true mutual submission (less about who earns the bacon/offers opinion, but with some confusion about who makes final decisions or has responsibility for spiritual leadership and the like…), wanting to retain firmly grounded gender distinctions. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
I actually have a post about that scheduled for tomorrow, Julianne! And yes, I have absolutely seen the same thing play out. If “complementarian” and “egalitarian” were extremes on a spectrum, the majority of healthy Christian marriages would be WAY closer to the egalitarian side–often, couples are just paying lip service to a theology they have been taught is correct. But, lots more about that tomorrow!
This line “In our era of volunteerism, we have learned how to engage in service towards needy people without submitting ourselves to them as servants.”
That is SO convicting and sheds a great light of clarity on how our hearts should truly be postured.
Thank you Morgan. Great post!