Today’s Equally Yoked post is from Jenn LeBow. I think it’s one many Christian couples can relate to.
For months, Dennis has appeared puzzled every time I bring up the issue of complementarianism vs. egalitarianism. He understands the tenets of both positions; his bemusement doesn’t arise from lack of knowledge. Instead, as I read passages aloud from various articles, books, or blogs, he regards me with a slightly confused, good-natured smile, as if he’s asking why we continue to rehash an issue we never even had to debate among ourselves.
You see, I didn’t encounter the opposing views of complementarianism and egalitarianism until adulthood. Whether it was the influence of growing up in the 1970′s and reading books like Girls Can Be Anything, or coming from a family in which the women had long attended college and pursued careers, it just never occurred to me that anyone would seriously oppose women participating equally in the church. True, I never saw a female pastor in action, but frankly, as a child I never wondered why.
In college, I heard rumblings of gender-based hierarchy, but it seemed to come from the same people who told me that they’d never known you could be a member of the other political party and a Christian, so I dismissed it as ignorance, assuming that as they got to know a wider range of people, they’d see that room exists for many viewpoints.
I took a fair bit of time off from God and the church in the years immediately following college graduation, not returning to active faith and practice until Dennis and I were on the verge of getting married and I realized the solemnity of the vows.
Dennis, therefore, fell in love with me during a secular, career-focused period of my life. One of the things he loved most from the beginning was my self-confidence. He never hoped to “master” me. We showed each other new aspects of life to enjoy: I read aloud to him, and he convinced me that spending time outside was worth prioritizing.
Throughout our dating years, both of us enjoyed the pattern that developed: we cared for the other person deeply, and strove to please one another. Kindness became our unwritten rule. When we married, continued kindness in close quarters with no easy way out didn’t come as effortlessly. It did, however, seem like the only realistic way forward toward a happy marriage.
Our first married experience with the idea of submission came about ten years ago in a Young Marrieds group at our church. When one of the wives spoke of the joy she found in placing her husband’s desires before her own, in submitting to him as her authority, I had no idea what to think. I loved these friends, knew them well. If they could think of this practice as helpful and worthwhile, perhaps something good lay within.
I tried for awhile to submit to Dennis, but soon ran into a couple of obstacles. One, Dennis rarely expresses strong preferences. It is harder than one might think to submit to someone as easygoing as he. One of the most sacrificial things I did was place the bed pillows on the bed in the order he preferred rather than following my own preference. Impressive, I know.
Second, Dennis shook off my efforts at times. He seemed to actually prefer it when I spoke my mind. I couldn’t tell if he was mostly confused or annoyed by my newfound timidity in expressing an opinion on which movie to go see or which restaurant to try on a weekend date. I started to wonder: is it still considered submission if your submissive actions bother your husband?
In time, these attempts faded. But the voices trumpeting the differences grew louder. By now, the voices sometimes sound strident on both sides of the argument. Some say there’s no place for women to speak their minds to their husbands; others argue that anything less than complete equality rests on misinterpretation of Scripture.
Dennis and I, a little more than fifteen years into our marriage, have disavowed extremes in many contexts: politics, religion, parenting. But one extreme we do cling to: we still treat each other more kindly than we treat anyone else. Some days, doing so requires more submission than any other task, but it’s always been a mutual submission for us. I see clearly how much patience it takes for Dennis to remain kind with me; my efforts with him don’t require nearly as much strength of will. Nevertheless, we believe it to be among the top three reasons our marriage remains strong.
I have put down the treatises. At times I get a flash of good sense and stop trying to fix what’s never been broken. Or letting anyone else dictate to us what they think our marriage should look like.
Jenn LeBow is a native Texan; a globe-wanderer thanks to the U.S. State Department; the mom of four (mostly) delightful kids: Cartwheel, 22; Einstein, 11; Blossom, 8; and Ladybug, 4; and a voracious reader. She and Dennis have been married 15 years and now arrange the pillows by preference of the person who actually makes the bed. You can read more at Jenn’s blog, Hang On Baby, We’re Almost… Somewhere, or follow her on Twitter.
Next week’s Equally Yoked post is from Gerald Ford (the Christian counselor, not the president).
Want to contribute to the Equally Yoked series? Email Jenny at jennyraearmstrong@gmail.com.
Leave a comment for a chance to win How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership: Compelling Stories from Prominent Evangelicals. Winner announced Feb. 1st.
I love your final line – yes stop trying to fix what isn’t broken!! If a marriage is great because two people love each other, submit to each other, are kind to each other (I like that priority!) and are honouring God in that – why on earth would you say this is wrong and it should be done differently?! Thanks for your great contribution to this series!
Wasn’t this a good one?! Stop trying to fix what isn’t broken–Amen!
Thanks, Kathy. This was fun to write. I’ll tell you, though, it took me longer than I’m proud of to realize that no other person has the right to advise us on our marriage unless we ask them to. Now that’s one of my top pieces of advice for people, right behind kindness!
I appreciate your kind words.
To be submissive to your husband doesn’t mean to literally be submissive, it means to respect and honor your husband. We just discussed this yesterday in church. Society and other ill informed leaders of the church community have twisted its meaning. Man and woman are to be equal, partners, at the same pace in life. We just have different roles to play in the home and in marriage.
I’ve never believed in the woman not having as much relevance in a relationship or equality, our opinions not being valid, etc. if God intended for this He would have made only men to roam the earth. What a short story that would have been! Not only would they not be able to reproduce but they would have killed each other anyway.
It’s interesting that you should say that, Rebecca. There are a few places in the New Testament where Paul or Peter tell women to submit to their husbands (Morgan Guyton’s Equally Yoked post did a great job of explaining the context of Ephesians 5), but I can’t think of any passage in the Bible that ordains roles (other than biological ones) based on gender–our ideas about gender roles have mostly been drawn from the cultures we’ve grown up in, and/or constructed in a way that makes sense in our society from those New Testament passages about submission, headship, etc.
There’s a lot to be said for traditional gender roles, and certainly, there are certain roles than men and women seem to naturally fall into worldwide. In many cases, they work quite well, which is why, I think, churches tend to promote them. But they’re based more on culture and pop-psychology than the Bible–I honestly can’t think of any place in the Bible that says it has to, or even is supposed to, be that way. In fact, as popular as it has become to joke about the differences between genders (a backlash against feminism, I guess), the Bible stresses the one-ness, the like-ness, the bone-of-my-bone-and-flesh-of-my-flesh-ness. A backlash against the patriarchal, women-as-property times they lived in.
“Man and woman are to be equal, partners, at the same pace in life.” I love your comment about being at the same pace in life! I think that’s a great way to describe it.
Jenn, I could relate with this story so much! I remember after we were getting married I would make comments, that reflected the complementarian background of my church and the premarital books. He would look at me like I was crazy! Finally, he sat me down and told me that if he wanted someone to just say yes to whatever he wanted, he would have married someone else. He picked me, he said, because he wanted us to be equal partners. He married me when I was working full time in an upper level management position and couldn’t understand why I would think that he would marry me, seeing and knowing my strength and leadership, but then expect me to start deferring to him. It was so ingrained in my growing up, that even now I have to stop myself when I catch myself saying things that let me off the hook and put it all on him.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Brenna, I think it speaks well of us as women that we want to do the “right” thing when we get married; unfortunately, for many of us, what is taught as the “right” thing when it comes to gender roles in marriage may not actually be the right thing. I’m so thankful for strong men who want strong women to partner with and who aren’t afraid to say so.
Now… how to teach our daughters to maintain their strong selves by listening to their best instincts without becoming imprudent women who won’t listen to any external counsel? Ah, there’s always something to learn!
Great idea for a series. I’ll have to look back on what I’ve missed.
Thanks Angie! I’m super-excited about the series myself! I think hearing stories of healthy, Christ-centered marriages based on mutuality will be an encouragement to a lot of people.
Three nuggets that I found in this gold mine, Jenn:
“but it seemed to come from the same people who told me that they’d never known you could be a member of the other political party and a Christian” – that one made me laugh
“is it still considered submission if your submissive actions bother your husband?” – that one had me shaking my head in solidarity.
“[not] letting anyone else dictate to us what they think our marriage should look like.” – and that one had me saying amen.
Preach it, Sister!
Tim
Thanks, Tim! I’m delighted that you enjoyed my piece. I appreciate the encouragement.
My favourite quote is : “One, Dennis rarely expresses strong preferences. It is harder than one might think to submit to someone as easygoing as he.” I can totally relate to this!
ME TOO! Very relatable! Thankful for good, gracious men!
I really loved this, too! I lived my whole life watching my mom do things her own way because my dad was so laid back … and then I married a laid-back guy myself. My husband and I sometimes “play with” traditional ideas of masculinity and femininity (i.e.: “I need a big strong man to open this jar”), but we mainly just end up “deferring” to whoever feels most strongly about an issue.
I’ve gotta say, jar-opening is one of those areas where traditional roles still apply. Man-hands were just MADE to open Klaussens! ;-D And it spares my counter the repetitive beating I have to give it to loosen up the lid.
I wondered if I walked the line well between describing Dennis’ laid-back approach and making him sound passive. He is certainly not someone who just sits back and lets life (or his wife) take charge of him! So your comment helped, Anne. I am glad to see others understand. Thanks!
Love this, Jenn. As someone who also practices mutuality/egalitarianism in my own marriage, it is always encouraging and comforting to hear similar perspectives.
Thanks, Alyssa. Your support always makes me smile. Thank you for reading!
From Greek to English, sometimes the meanings of words that the original hearers heard, is lost. There were other Greek words that meant obey, as well as obey an authority. Hupotassomenoi, is not one of them. The ways it was used in the early church were more in the line of arranging oneself next to another in support of, very much like attaching oneself to them in the way that we attach our lives to Christ after giving our lives to Him in belief and faith.
“The ways it was used in the early church were more in the line of arranging oneself next to another in support of, very much like attaching oneself to them in the way that we attach our lives to Christ after giving our lives to Him in belief and faith.”
Great insights, TL! Thanks for sharing your knowledge!
This is a refreshingly genuine post, Jennifer, and I think a lot of wives and husbands will be able to identify with what you have gone through!
Thanks, Scott!
Excellent. All marriages are best by outdoing each other in love! Can we speak the truth in love in our church groups by promoting the mutuality of service?
“Outdoing each other in love”–AMEN!
Hello. I knew Dennis (Denny) when he was very young to the time he graduated from High School. I was always very fond of him and have thought that he is a “stand-up” guy! It sounds like the Lord has blessed both of you with each other and I am very happy that you are happy.
But one extreme we do cling to: we still treat each other more kindly than we treat anyone else.
Precious. It takes a lot of energy so that you don’t have any left to argue those views. Maybe that’s where God wants us.