I was first introduced to Day of Discovery’s “When Love Hurts” series at an AVA (Advocates for Victims of Abuse) training last year. I was thrilled with the way they handled the subject, a conservative, biblically-grounded series that landed hard on the side of the oppressed. It’s the sort of video you could show at almost any church, a strait-talking explanation and condemnation of abuse translated into polite Christianese (and I mean that in the most complimentary way). I mean, these are the people who publish “Our Daily Bread.” It’s a nourishing message in palatable packaging.
When I found out that you can view the whole series online (for free, no less!), I knew I had to share it. I’m embedding the introduction, so you can get a taste of it, but you’ll have to go here to watch the series. Many thanks to Radio Bible College and Day of Discovery for making these videos available! (Note: Much to my dismay, I couldn’t get the videos on the site to run after I wrote this. I emailed them, and hopefully they’ll get it fixed soon!)
“All couples hurt each other, sin against each other, most couples get mad and say things they shouldn’t. That’s not necessarily abuse… The two things that make it domestic violence are the nature of the conflict and the impact of the conflict… By the nature I mean, it’s not just being angry and saying mean things–it’s using power to control.” –Dr. Stephen Tracy, author of Mending the Soul.
Jennie Rae, I wrote an article on domestic violence a few months ago which talks about why it happens in Christian homes and has a bunch of resource links. When I can get to a real computer later, I will add in the link to the videos you mentioned too.
http://watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com/2012/10/we-cant-ignore-domestic-violence.html
Thank you, Virginia! Great article, and great resources!
“It was like, as soon as we had the marriage license, the dynamics changed, ” she said.
And of course- in a Complementarian marriage, that’s exactly what happens. It’s usually not to this degree, but by very definition that’s the way Complementarian marriages work.
That’s one of my big concerns about complementarian teachings. I don’t see how inequitable power structures are good for either the woman or the man.
Jen, I’ve been dealing with DV so much at work that I couldn’t find it in me to watch even the intro video. Perhaps later.
But I did want to say that the cases in my courtroom involve families from all parts of our society. There are no cohorts or populations safe from this sin.
Tim
I don’t blame you, Tim! I think, given your profession, you should get a blanket pass on Viewing Hard Things. Thanks for the work you do!!!
Thank you, Jenny, for reminding us again that the church needs to be aware of domestic violence and childhood sexual abuse. For anyone who desires training in awareness and advocacy, the Evangelical Covenant Church has trained advocates who can equip local congregations. Go to http://www.covchurch.org/abuse.
Thanks Meagan! Yes, AVA was a brilliant idea, and may its tribe increase!
Thank you for pointing your readers to these wonderful videos. I have read the book Mending the Soul for a college class called Mentoring and Counseling Women so I was delighted that Dr. Tracy was in the video. It’s a good beginning ground for discussion in the church but I suspect that the majority of abuse within the church is verbal, emotional, spiritual and financial which leaves no outward signs in order for the abuser to keep up appearances of being a Godly man (or woman, they are sometimes abusers but a minority) within the church.
You’re exactly right, Shelly. The more extreme stories make it easier to accept the idea that abuse is not okay, but the majority of cases are not physical, or at least they don’t start out that way. I wrote an article about emotional abuse and how the church should respond to it a year or so ago for Her.Meneutics–you can check it out here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/december/but-he-never-hit-me-christian-primer-on-emotional-abuse.html
I couldn’t agree more. In my own case I didn’t experience physical abuse or even typical name calling and yelling. Instead I was given the silent treatment and told I was demanding and difficult and that my ideas about what a marriage should look like were ridiculous. And it was so insidious that I literally thought I was the problem until a therapist looked me in the eye 90 seconds into our first meeting with her (and after years of other therapy) and said, “You’re not crazy.” I believe God told me to leave through various ways, but I had such a hard time putting my finger on what was wrong that I was certain I was imagining it all. Then a social worker gave my sister a copy of the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, so she could give it to me. My sister called in the middle of the night and said, I’m reading the story of your life. The book saved me and gave me the courage to leave my marriage, though I still felt so fearful that it took me more than a year to file for divorce. 5 1/2 years later I am a completely different person and my children are healing, though their dad unleashed a torrent of much more overt abusive behaviors on them once he didn’t have me any more. It’s been agonizing to watch and but for the grace of God we would not be the people we are today. I’m a Christian but haven’t been a churchgoer for 15 years. I have wonderful friends in the church, but there is so much inherent in its structure which enables these behaviors that I find it awfully hard to support. Thank you for what you are doing. These egalitarian marriages are what I tell my children are possible with a healthy partner!
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, and so thankful that you and your children are finding healing! Yes, you are definitely NOT alone. That quest for or expectation of power OVER others can be nasty stuff.
The videos are working now. I just finished watching the first one. These are so good and critically needed in the church. Sharing!
Thanks Erin! Aren’t they great? I’m SO thankful RBC made them, and that they fixed the issue so quickly.
I got halfway through part 3 and the video stopped working. I’m in suspense. And, part 4 doesn’t appear to be loading right now either. Bummer!