I first stumbled across Jonathan Aigner’s writing in an article he wrote for Mutuality. I was struck by his ability to express his points clearly and simply, without sacrificing the personal elements that make his story so compelling. I’m thrilled to have him blogging for Equally Yoked today, and hope you enjoy his post as much as I do!
Egalitarian is a bad word where I’m from. Actually, it’s a concept so foreign to the people I grew up with, I usually have to explain it, and then it becomes a bad word.
See, I was raised as a Southern Baptist homeschooler deep in the heart of Texas, where we like our steaks rare, our trucks big, and our women in their place. Patriarchy dominated our homes, our preaching, our homeschooling conferences. It was an essential doctrine, right next to the virgin birth and bodily resurrection.
Things changed for me during grad school in the far away land of Illinois. By the time I married my strong, capable, beautiful wife, I was an egalitarian, at least theoretically.
Many of my complementarian friends are constantly preoccupied with how to best contort themselves into being good stereotypical husbands and wives. The men labor under the crushing weight of having to always be protectors, providers, and priests. The women allow their own unique gifts and sense of calling to be buried in the name of being a “cheerful helpmeet.” Sadly, individuality is far too often lost in the name of “biblical” manhood and womanhood.
Thankfully, that’s not been my experience. It isn’t always easy. Old habits die hard and hierarchical roots run deep, but I’m finding egalitarian marriage to be increasingly natural.
Here are the things I appreciate most about being “equally yoked.”
We fulfill functions, not roles.
Of course, we’re still male and female as God created us, but our gender doesn’t predestine how our relationship is going to work itself out. We both provide. We both protect. We both lead spiritually. We both do housework. We both lead and we both submit. Sometimes it’s decided by our particular strengths. Other times it’s decided by our circumstances. The one constant is that we both are willing to step up whenever and wherever we’re needed. After all, reducing someone’s entire existence to a set of rules is more than just stereotyping, it’s dehumanizing.
We discover each other anew every day.
We are better able to understand each other because we don’t assume anything. We don’t assume that I have blue ears and she has pink. Neither of us fit into these traditional stereotypes, and I don’t think we can ever really get to know each other if we boil manhood and womanhood down that way. It’s deeply honoring to have a spouse that really seeks to understand you. We approach each other as mysteries to be discovered and that makes life endlessly exciting and love endlessly regenerating.
We don’t have to play silly “gender” games.
A friend once cautioned Kelsey not to take on too many home maintenance tasks, since that sort of thing was supposed to be my responsibility. Such a concept was hilarious to us, since Kelsey is much better at working with her hands than I am. She doesn’t have to tiptoe around, taking great care not to bruise my fragile male ego. On the other hand, of the two of us, I’m better in the kitchen, and that isn’t at all threatening to Kelsey’s sense of self-worth.
Being equal means we just don’t have to worry about all that stuff.
We collaborate in planning our life direction.
I’m sharpened by a wife who is free to take me to task over my decisions and motivations. She can push back when she disagrees without worrying that I’m going to meltdown into a “manly” temper tantrum or throw my weight around. When we disagree, we talk about it. I recently saw a video produced by a hierarchical organization that said husbands should “dominate in all areas of eternal significance,” especially in marriage and family. I think that’s a grave error. It’s a real joy for us to work together in figuring out our next steps.
We learn how to really listen and understand.
Most complementarians don’t get how egalitarians settle differences. How we listen to each other when we disagree, trying to find the core of the concern. How we don’t pressure issues and take time – sometimes months or years to be prayerful and understanding. How we never use power plays to convince or coerce the other. Nobody has a veto. Nobody has the final word. We just pray and listen to each other till we agree.
We’ve learned we really don’t disagree very much and when we do there is usually growing we both need to do. If we don’t agree we just aren’t done talking, understanding and praying. Marrying a counselor definitely helps in this area, but I suspect this kind of communication is common within egalitarian marriages.
We have a deep and fun friendship.
Because we are constantly growing together, we really prefer to spend time together than with anyone else. In fact, we have to remind ourselves to schedule time with friends. We uncover new ways of having fun and can laugh at ourselves and each other because of the safe vulnerability between us.
I don’t always have to be the strong one.
Either one of us can be strong when the other one is weak.
I married a strong person. She’s not intimidated by anyone. In fact, on multiple occasions I’ve seen Kelsey’s natural confidence intimidate the most brazenly egotistical of men. I used to feel threatened by strong women, but I’ve found it to be a great source of comfort in our marriage, particularly during the times I’ve struggled most. In a lot of hierarchical marriages, I’ve seen men treat their wives as if they were not quite adults. But I have a full partner who is quite capable of helping me, even carrying me, through the darkest times.
We are one, but we are still two.
This is where I’ve found the redemptive message of mutuality to be most life-giving. We aren’t some strange amalgamation of Kelsey and Jonathan (Kelsathan?). We’re still Kelsey and Jonathan.
Sometimes I think my complementarian friends are just watching us, waiting for the bottom to fall out. They see us, a male elementary music teacher married to a professional, independent woman with a different last name, and they seem to be skeptical that we can function so well. I tell them that it’s easier. It’s easier when we’re both free to be ourselves, manifesting unique set of gifts, inclinations, and abilities. I think it makes for a much more dynamic relationship.
After all, I’m convinced that the paradigms of “biblical” manhood and womanhood are fabrications. The highest calling of any person is to follow Christ wholeheartedly. A marriage relationship free of gender rigidity has given me the freedom to do so.
Jonathan Aigner is an elementary school music teacher and the traditional worship minister at a United Methodist church. He holds degrees in music and theology from Baylor University and Wheaton College. He enjoys music, baseball, and trying to make the scattered thoughts in his brain sit still long enough to blog. Kelsey is a Licensed Professional Counselor and practices at Houston Center for Christian Counseling. Jonathan and Kelsey were featured in the Spring 2012 issue of Mutuality, a Christians for Biblical Equality publication.
Next week’s Equally Yoked post is from Karen Beattie.
Want to contribute to the Equally Yoked series? Email Jenny at jennyraearmstrong@gmail.com.
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What an excellent article. Thank you SO much for writing it, and for your example of equality.
I absolutely LOVE how Kelsey kept her own name. Good on her! I so wish more women would follow her example in not relinquishing their own names and identity in order to be subsumed into that of their husbands’. Whenever I see a married woman being referred to by her husband’s surname, I always think, “But who is SHE? What is HER name, who are HER people, what is HER identity, HER background?” Getting married isn’t being adopted, or bought, or entering a witness protection program that a woman should have to lose her own name to do it. I did it twice, and deeply regretted it both times.
It caused me a lot of suffering every time I saw my husband’s name, instead of my own, on a document or piece of mail. I felt like I had disappeared, been rubbed out. It felt like playing a part in a play, only it was a play that would never be over. I hated it when people would comment on *his* last name, asking *me,* “Oh, are you related to the so-and-sos?” I’d have to say, “I have no idea.That’s my husband’s name and I don’t know who they’re connected to.” I felt like *I* had disappeared. Thankfully I have my own name back now. I would never relinquish it again, no matter what. It is my own identity, not someone else’s.
Didn’t he do a great job with this article?! I just loved it.
She can push back when she disagrees without worrying that I’m going to meltdown into a “manly” temper tantrum or throw my weight around.
Whenever I hear those terms, I mentally add “or him smacking her around”.
We have a deep and fun friendship.
Which seems weird to me. Marriage and friendship were always presented to me as two separate things, and I still have a hard time seeing the two combined.
That’s so sad.
I can’t imagine marriage NOT being a friendship–seems like it would have to be a pretty shallow, depressing relationship without friendship! What would you talk about? What would you do together? Who would you talk through family and life issues with?
Scripture Scripture Scripture(TM), Perfectly-Parsed Theology, and Traditional Family Values(TM)?
Kid you not; when I was checking out various churches years ago that was actually presented to me as the only Christian(TM) basis for marriage. Now I know why so many Christians stay single or get divorced. If they can meet anyone in the first place, that is — everything I associate with initial attraction — looks, personality, voice, common interests — all got dissed as “fleshly” and “worldly”.
No different from the outside-the-church claim that marriage is just for the dynamite sex.
I love it! Thank you for sharing this!
Didn’t Jonathan do a great job?!
Thank you for telling your story. I love it! So many great points to take away.
“I don’t always have to be the strong one.”
“We are one, but we are still two.”
Yes and amen!
I did take on my husband’s last name when we married. I wanted to share that part of his life. However, I ditched my birth middle name and replaced it with my maiden name. It seemed easier than a hyphen.
Aaron offered to take my last name (true story!), but I thought people would think that was weird, so I turned his offer down.
We wanted to have the same last name, in any case. Whatever works for people!!!
I combined my first and middle names as my new legal first name and kept my maiden name as my new middle name and added his last name. Works for us. No hyphen. No confusion. But still a sense of continuity. And, I like that some day, if yet to be born offspring or their decedents are researching genealogy, they’ll be able to easily find my family (which has a pretty neat story),
I also really appreciated this article. It’s the kind of marriage DH & I are building (almost three years now).
Great article! I especially loved the section “I don’t always have to be the strong one”. I too had to ‘carry’ my husband through a very dark time. Thankfully I was willing and able to step up to the plate when he needed me most. Just hate to think what may have happened if I’d insisted he remain the ‘strong spiritual leader’!
“The highest calling of any person is to follow Christ wholeheartedly.” – oh SO yes!!
Wasn’t that a great way to end it? I think so often an over-focus on gender roles can pull us off-track in that sense.
You’ve described my marriage too, Jonathan. What all this points out to me is that for a Christian couple, the wife’s identity is not defined by her husband nor the husband’s by his wife. The wife and husband’s identity isn’t even defined by their marriage. Their identity separately and collectively is found in Christ.
Amen!
Thanks for this very encouraging article.
I’ve been trying to address the Gender & Authority issue in the home school movement in a series of blog posts since last year here: http://comewearymoms.blogspot.com/search/label/Gender%20~%20Authority
What great stuff, Virginia! Hey, if you’d like to write an Equally Yoked post from the perspective of a mom in the homeschooling movement, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE that!!! Your Proverbs 31 woman post was great!
Don’t know if you know this, Jenny Rae, but “Equally Yoked” was also the business name of a local Christian dating service from the Eighties or Nineties. Flushed $600+ of my cash down their drain for zero results. Turned me completely off to Christian dating services.
Hahaha!!!
Well written, Jonathan! Really beautiful! Most of the points you make here are points I had in mind to make, while writing an Equally Yoked story in my head.
Since you’ve already said many of the things better than I could, that helps me narrow down my own story. (If I ever get it out of my head and onto the computer.)
I was homeschooled, and came from a very conservative complementarian background, too. Not so of my husband. I think he and I thought we agreed in our views when we got married. Turned out, we didn’t. And, I eventually humbled myself and saw that he was wise & gracious in his mutuality view. It’s a beautiful thing!
Jenny, thank you so much for this wonderful piece from Jonathan. Though I’m single, I’ve been surrounded by strong women my whole life and they never once made me feel less masculine. God bless Jonathan and his strong wife!
This is Kelsey, Jonathan’s wife. I just had a chance to review some of the comments. This isn’t something terribly germane to the article, but since so many readers seem to be interested in the decision to maintain our birth names, I’ll share what I think is very sweet.
Of course, people want to call couples by a single name (“Aigner’s”, “Seifert’s”, etc) so we have stumped people for quite a while now. When we got our curly haired dog it seemed to finally create a nickname for our little family unit. The “Curly Tops”.
I think the name is very fitting – all three of us born with curly hair. No one sacrificing individuality, but a beautiful sense of continuity and unity.
That IS very sweet! The Curly Tops–I love it!
Thank you- if I ever get married, that’s what I want it to be like.
My favorite lines:
“It was an essential doctrine, right next to the virgin birth and bodily resurrection.” Yes. Yes indeed! And a failure to embrace the “woman stays home full time while the man works three jobs if necessary” is seen as tantamount to rejecting the faith.
“After all, reducing someone’s entire existence to a set of rules is more than just stereotyping, it’s dehumanizing.” And not just in the area of gender roles…
“Most complementarians don’t get how egalitarians settle differences.” I just had this conversation last week. You describe this so well. It IS how we function! And we are absolutely best friends.
I too married a woman who can intimidate men because she is strong, direct, and doesn’t take crap. My brother found her intimidating at first, but after seeing so many of our friends end up “whipped” (for lack of a better term) while I was able to continue taking time with friends without a hassle from my wife, he decided that she actually was a winner. Because I treat her as an equal and as a friend, she doesn’t need to intimidate me.
Bonus points for being a musician and a cook. I did tell my wife that the kitchen was a deal breaker. Either I was an equal in the kitchen, or she could look elsewhere. We eat well